a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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