Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
