I cannot find my penis.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
