Can i not drive my cunt home
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize