Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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