I wish I could teleport
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
