Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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