I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
