kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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