She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
