I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
