Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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