Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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