Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
