I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
