apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
