Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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