i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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