were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i will never coherently bang her
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize