So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
