went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
