there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
