Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize