My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
