He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
