Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Ladies don't puke and tell
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
