I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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