I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
