either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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