do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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