last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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