id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
