I can tuck mytits in my pants
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
