i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
NoShamevember. You game?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
