I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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