I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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