I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
