That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
