you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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