I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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