just come out here and I will go home with you...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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