apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The best revenge is premature balding
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
