there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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