i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
