come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
