oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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