what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
