Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
