1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
