Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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