Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
