why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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