Already got asked if we're dating
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
