Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
