Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
