i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
