Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
