Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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