roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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