in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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