I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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