I think I won the penis lottery.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We had to coat check the pizza.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My bed smells like the plague
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
