M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
