New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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