i already hear my dad disowning me
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
