i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
