I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
