At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
