i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
