you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
