Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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