why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
